best books of the year (so far): nonfiction picks

I'll Be Gone in the Dark, by Michelle McNamara. the riveting story of a journalist's mission to track down and identify the Golden State Killer, a serial rapist and murderer who terrorized California in the 1970s. her writing can only be described as sinewy -- strong, lean, and effective. some chapters of the book are pieced together from her notes, as she unfortunately died before she could complete it.

 

Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction, by David Sheff. this book is equal parts terrifying, gripping, hopeful and heartwarming. David writes openly (with permission) about his son's addiction to meth. through the years, from rehab to relapse, the entire family works through their misconceptions about addiction. as a parent, a healthcare provider, and a human, I found the book incredibly eye-opening, and I think you will too.

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, by Dr. Becky Kennedy. I would love nothing more than for Dr. Becky to live inside my head, and, in fact, sometimes I do hear her actual voice reminding me "two things are true", "you're a good kid [person] who's having a hard time", "I am safe", and other classic lines from her parenting podcast. her approach to parenting is empathetic but firm: I appreciate how she delineates that a parent's job is to keep a child safe and set appropriate boundaries for behavior, and the child's job is to experience and express their emotions. it's not about being a perfect parent, but about practicing repair. highly recommend! 

The Explosive Child: A New Approach For Understanding And Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, by Dr. Ross Greene. thanks to Auntie Kris, who loaned me this book on the spot when I saw it in the back of her car and said I'd heard great things about it! I read it in three days and immediately passed it along to a friend. although the case studies in his book feature fairly extreme cases of children diagnosed with various mental health conditions, neurodivergence and/or developmental disorders, his approach to handling meltdowns has been a game-changer. he emphasizes how to recognize and hopefully redirect a child's distress before it turns into a complete disaster, and also proposes a helpful framework for how to choose your battles with kids who are more emotionally fragile (and also how to discuss different behavioral expectations with siblings -- i.e., fair is not equal). 

Crying in H Mart, by Michelle Zauner. the audiobook, read by the author, was delivered to my Libby app shortly after Victoria was born. at a week postpartum, I was not at all ready to listen to this thoughtfully written memoir about grieving the loss of your mother, so I postponed it. when it came around again a month later, it was just what I wanted. the author paints a vivid picture of growing up as a Korean American girl, from her complicated relationships with her parents to her cultural heritage. I especially enjoyed this an audiobook so I could hear the correct pronunciation of the Korean words.

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, by Dr. Lisa Damour. okay, so if I could have both Dr. Becky and Dr. Damour in my pocket, I'd really be set. I wrote down literal pages of quotes from this book; here are some of the best. 

Mental health is not about feeling good. Instead, it's about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those feelings effectively. 

Higher quality psychological defenses [humor, externalization] distort reality the least. The less adaptive ones [denial, dissociation, repression] blunt psychological distress by messing with the truth. 

Every young person should have ways to feel good about themselves that they are able to control [acts of service for others, having time for meaningful pursuits that are not for a grade or money].

Adolescent brain development starts at age 10 or 11, with emotional intensity peaking around 13 or 14. Emotional processing develops first, followed by the areas of the brain that form perspective. 

Aim not to avoid conflict but to have constructive conflict, where each party can see the other's perspective. "I'm going to try to describe the situation from your perspective. You're going to tell me what I'm missing and where I'm off track." Then ask your teen to do the same.  

Teens benefit from us having high standards for their behavior; talk openly about risks and articulate reasonable guidelines that tie into the teen's own priorities (thriving in school, future career opportunities with clean legal record, morality, etc). "My hope is that you don't drink, but I am realistic about the fact that mistakes get made. Nothing matters more than your safety. The easiest way to stay safe is to stay sober. But if that doesn't happen, I'm your safety plan. If you're in a dicey situation, I don't want you to worry about getting caught. I want you to think about whether you could get hurt [and call me if you need to]."

Healthy teens tend to cultivate strong interests, even if they are not academic. If that isn't happening, consider depression or substance use. 

 For teens who don't want to open up, ask indirect questions. Not "How do you feel about the new coach?" but "What are people saying about the new coach?" Or talk in the car, three minutes from your destination so they know there's a quick out. "You've seemed out of sorts this weekend. If you want to chat in the next few days, you know I'm always game." If you sense disconnect: "I can tell that you're not feeling comfortable talking with me about topics close to your heart. Is there anything I've done or said that has gotten in the way? I'm asking because I want to make it right between us."

and there is so much, much more wisdom in the book! this was a library read but I definitely plan to buy my own copy!